Sudan 1: What every parent should know

The ever funny Rockall Times comes up with a brilliant response to the current "a cat we once gave it to caught cancer thirteen years later" Sudan 1 'crisis'...

My boy loves his Thin & Crispy Pizza with Pepperoni and Worcester Sauce. Now they tell me it could kill him. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Stay calm. There are literally dozens of alternatives to pre-cooked meals which will help your son through the temporary withdrawal of processed-meat-product-topped dough discs.
Oh yeah? Name one.
Fruit.
I've heard of that. How many minutes in the microwave?
No, you can eat it raw. Apples are good.
You must be joking. I'm not letting my child eat something which just fell off a tree. God alone knows what he might catch.