Star Wars Origami. I need say nothing more; at least we all know what George will be doing at work during January now.

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In other news, last night's big 10 player poker game saw Poade win £29, Norf win £6 and Alan lose £2. It also saw Nipper's house and everyone's clothes permanently tainted by the smell of cigar smoke. When we arrived the walls were white, when we left they were cheap korma yellow. Such is the effect of deadman 'smoking' one cafe creme...

So, a mid holiday report seems in order. Christmas Eve saw me at work for half the day, moving all the office equipment into 'storage' (the corridor) to prepare for the building work that is due to take place round about now. The knocking down and rebuilding of several walls involves me moving from my anonymous corner of the Marketing Department, with all its female chatter (mainly about Robbie Williams), to a smaller even more anonymous corner of the IT cupboard, with all the male swearing of Phil the IT guy. Christmas Eve also saw the yearly works raffle of corporate gifts, a ritual that means one or two people get a bottle of whisky whilst a larger selection of the work force get diaries. I got a notepad and a desktop calendar. On the other hand, my boss gave me two bottles of wine.

The afternoon of Christmas Eve saw me arrive at Ma and Pa's. From my arrival to my departure on Friday morning I drunk and ate too much, not voluntarily either it has to be said. The paunch has decidely returned. Friday saw me catch the train to Wolverhampton, where I have danced to Northern Soul for two consecutive nights but tonight I'm taking time off... tomorrow I watch the boys play Poker at Nippers (the only event in the social calendar for which I want to change into dirty clothes, since the evening will entail suffering a smog of cigar smoke). New Years Eve will see me dancing to Northern Soul yet again; "Shazam has tagged James Brown's Sex Machine, segueing into a Stone Roses track with a marked absence of DJ dexterity".

Presents received:

David Bowie Hits DVD

Star Wars Episode 2 DVD

Socks

WH Smith vouchers (transformed into Chocolat and Galaxy Quest DVDs)

Ed Wood DVD

J & B

Glemorangie

The only photo of me at the works do. What a lovely spiral.

RIP Johnny Appleseed.

How I voted in the Empire Awards.

On my monthly trip to the barber's on Hillgate for my Grade 5 last Thursday I noticed a print on the wall - the Stockport Hillgate Pub Crawl. This involves about 15 or more pubs, all of which are more or less next to each other all the way up Hillgate. The local CAMRA outfit have a regular stagger up it.

It never dawned on me before, probably because I've grown up here, but Stockport has SO many pubs. The Stockport Pub Guide suggests 'Few, if any, towns or cities within the UK can offer a selection of pubs to compare with Stockport'. Not sure about that, but I certainly wasn't aware I live a fifteen minute walk from the 2002 CAMRA UK Pub of the Year...

I was worried blogging this might lead to Les and Nack knocking on my door in the morning. But the inclusion of the "fifteen minute walk" reference will probably deter them...

...his audience... was, almost without exception, made entirely of chino-wearing, pint-clutching, thirty-something men so completely sycophantic that they laughed themselves silly at the tiniest thing like a pack of schoolgirls on the back of the bus who had just seen someone in an unfashionable pair of trainers run for the bus and not quite make it.

She hates Peter Kay evidently, but I still like visiting Green fairy...

Here's my Christmas card to you all.

Refused entry to Revolution because I'm too ugly. Refused entry to Loaf because I'm too ugly.

Manchester don't love its slap headed dead son no more.

Completely and utterly stupid and pointless!

And is fun for all of 2 seconds...

'a site that as a ton of cool little tidbits'. And I'm one of them. Sweet Jesus, it's like a recommendation from God (or at least Charlton Heston playing God).

Is it nearly easter yet?

Peep Research

Yesterday morning at 11.41 deadmanjones began his driving test. Approximately two minutes later he failed it by reversing round a corner whilst remaining five foot from the kerb at all times. 10 minutes later he underlined his failure by turning the steering wheel full lock to the left during the reverse park and mounting the pavement with considerable momentum.

deadmanjones does not wish to discuss the matter further.

Merry Christmas!! This is my card to you all...

195.167.11.81 - - [17/Dec/2002:16:13:13 +0000] /deadmanjones/blog/blogger.html "GET /deadmanjones/blog/blogger.html HTTP/1.0" 200 28994 "http://www.google.com.gr/search?q=electric+cunt&hl=el&lr=&ie=UTF-8&inlang=el&start=600&sa=N" "Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 5.01; Windows NT)"

The Parthenon marbles were actually made by a British man named Phil Davies. Britain is demanding the repatriation of the remaining Parthenon ruins from Greece to Britain.

How the Belgians lost their marbles

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Mum usually buys calendars with kittens on. Or Welsh landscapes.

For 2003?

Gareth Gates.

Ananova - BBC2 is set to replace The Simpsons with a show that gives £5,000 to members of the public with wacky ideas.

That'll be a winner then.

Motorists report seeing a car veer off the road and crash in Surrey. Police who investigate find a car that crashed five months previously, with the skeletal remains of the trapped occupant still inside. Motorists are now questioning whether what they saw was a ghostly apparition of the original crash. One officer called the discovery of the five-month old corpse "spine-chilling".

Council refuses Glastonbury licence.

Fucking bastard cunt twat fuck shit arse fucking bastard wanking pus buckets.

Mum has had a cataract in the one eye she isn't blind in for some time. This makes her vision very poor - Vanilla Sky made no sense to her because she had no idea Tom Cruise was scarred. Her time on the NHS waiting list was meant to reach a successful conclusion this month...

dmj: Heard anything from the hospital yet?
mum: Yes, the NHS Trust has lost its contract.
dmj: Lost their contract?
mum: yes, they have a contract and they've underperformed so they've lost it. So they've stopped all work but aren't allowing the new NHS Trust to start work until the contract ends.
dmj: Which is..?
mum: April. In April they start a new waiting list.
dmj: What?
dad: We've contacted our Councillor and MP

And if they don't sort it I'll get my fucking air rifle out and blind the spiteful cunts who caused this delay - see how they like it.

I'm blogging stunt motor cyclist again cos it's changed. My talent for it has not changed however; my only ability of note being the extreme ways in which I manage to kill the poor little chap.

Bluetooth could be dealt a serious blow as a connector of peripheral devices to PCs when a wireless Universal Serial Bus (USB) chip ships early next year

Given that my bluetooth device plugs into a USB socket, you may well be right there mate.

Other boring IT News: the end of drop down menus? My arse.

George says it's a "Very cool game!" How can you resist then? A Blast.

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The terms AD and BC are now apparently politically incorrect. In their place we have BCE ("before common era") and CE ("common era").

Take a fucking day off will ya?

I have a radio station. Which, seeing as how I don't have sound on my work PC, was a fairly pointless thing to do.

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Mr Scruff is far funkier than funkademia; but Electric Chair still rocks the world.

I'm a big fan of Dermot's Sporting Buddies on BBC Choice, so watching it as usual tonight as he interviews Max Beesley in Manchester. They're on King Street which suddenly makes me think "that's where Natalie Hamnett went to work, I wonder how she is?". I soon find out as Max and Dermot start chatting her up. It's the first time I've seen her quiet.

The repeat of the show should appear in my digiguide listings to the right as usual.

I would tell her, but it seems everyone's lost contact with her.

A blog for Andy on his occasional visits here:

How does a petrol pump know when the tank is full?

Paul Jones' website

This is indeed fucking hilarious. A Lord of the Rings spoof (probably from an MTV Movie Award or some such) featuring Black, Gellar and Albert.
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Fun day for news at the BBC.

Bingo Pensioners banned for 'lucky seat' punch up.

Ankh-Morpork twins with real town

Are you trying to say my giraffe is fat?

Zannah doesn't blog links very often any more, but when she does it's worth the wait...

Mr. Iwanyk, 32 years old, first suspected that his TiVo thought he was gay, since it inexplicably kept recording programs with gay themes. A film studio executive in Los Angeles and the self-described "straightest guy on earth," he tried to tame TiVo's gay fixation by recording war movies and other "guy stuff."

"The problem was, I overcompensated," he says. "It started giving me documentaries on Joseph Goebbels and Adolf Eichmann. It stopped thinking I was gay and decided I was a crazy guy reminiscing about the Third Reich."

Pixie - corner the dots on the green square in as few moves as possible. Simple and very addictive.

100 Greatest Gay Britons.

Well, at least it's better than the BBC poll.

For a fee of $10 per word (5 word minimum), a customer can have a telegram delivered to someone who has passed away. This is done with the help of terminally ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and then deliver the telegrams after they have passed away. We call this an afterlife telegram.

I've gone through the entire site and I can't find any evidence that this is a joke. Expect the tabloids to go mental any time soon.

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"Hey deadman, you've put some daft christmas hat on your logo animation. It looks shit."
Hey, I don't get paid for this and I never admitted to having talent.

Those of you who, unlike me, have passed the the test, will no doubt enjoy RiskyWhisky.

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Airgun sniper shoots four in Wolverhampton

popisdead?

internet rumour machine, blah blah blah, salacious story, rhubarb rhubarb, regulation, blah blah blah.

Luckily Bill Thompson works for the Beeb. The internet will never be the main cause of unsubstantiated drivel anyway; not as long as Matthew Wright still draws breath.

In the new year, Rooting Out Evil will be sending a team of volunteer weapons inspectors into that greatest of rogue nations, the United States of America.

We have selected the US as our first priority based on criteria provided by the Bush administration. According to those criteria, the most dangerous states are those run by leaders who:

1) have massive stockpiles of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons;
2) ignore due process at the United Nations;
3) refuse to sign and honour international treaties; and
4) have come to power through illegitimate means.

The current US administration fulfills all these criteria. And so, again following Bush’s guidelines, Rooting Out Evil is demanding that his administration allow immediate and unfettered access to international weapons inspectors to search out their caches of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons.

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Nack has uploaded some recent photos of note to his site. His web design has reached new heights of artistry with the photos of popisdead and Nack in Manchester with the deadman; he's certainly better than me (though the geek in me still insists the file sizes are too big). There's some photos of Poade's birthday (the one I shunned) too.

addendum: Closer inspection of the photos suggests they have been tampered with. If you look really, really, really close at the below, you can make out a grey outline where other human males would have beard growth...

Now, anyone who knows me can tell you that such a thing does not exist on my face at any time. I am the hairless wonder. My body focuses all its hair making energies on my curling, ginger hued barnet, my gallagheresque eyebrows, and... my anus. The above photo has evidently been photoshopped by Nack.

Virginal veal?
I lv real vagina?
Grave villain?
Evil rival nag?
LOL

If you look at the last frame of this Dilbert cartoon in isolation then it suddenly becomes a Don Hertzfeldt cartoon... an observation that has struck me after the imbibing of numerous whiskies.

I knew Giles would get into trouble eventually.

author's sidenote: Giles is a very caring, hard working individual who works with children with extreme behavioural problems and copes with it all remarkably well. So if any watchdogs are reading, I'm only joking.

There's only a couple of times he's snapped, and the bodies are very well hidden.

The only good joke told on Does Doug Know is apparently offensive. As Chortle quite rightly says - Jesus Fucking Christ.

MadBlast - Catch Michael Jackson's Kids!

Never trust a gay man's friend's hairdresser when it comes to gossip. And there's me buying up loads of celebdaq shares at one in the morning.

deadman has nae shunned you. deadman has been attending the wedding of lee and emma carl.

Weddings happen once a liftetime, birthdays happen once a year., So fuck you you brummie twat.

It finally arrived this morning. I'd forgotten about it.

Good news - Sue is going mad, which means my celebdaq shares will do well in the morning.

In more personal news, the musty smell in my hallway that started lasted week turned into an entirely damp wall on Monday. The council finally came tonight, to discover a leaking valve on the hot water system in the lift room above my flat had created a small pond. Compensation claim here we come (anyone fancy a piss up?).

I've killed this stunt motor cyclist so many times now it's not funny. This java game is fantastic - left and right arrows to control how the rider leans, up and down for forwards and backwards. Play it now!

PS: I updated the grafitti the web post so it does actually work. Try it again, you'll be amused.

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Please say hello to this weeks nominee for the darwin award.

deadman's magic kitchen has reopened after a few months of paranoia inspired hiatus...

• Edited so it actually works now...
  Bored of my website? Annoyed at it? Then why not ruin it at Graffiti the Web.



• Soooooo... did they get you to record any special messages that you wouldn't normally hear? Maybe things like "Fire! Fire! Get the fuck out of here!".
  Me and the producer did record some spoof announcements after the LU suits had left the session, purely for our own amusement. Stuff like: "The man in the green coat is sitting in tramp’s piss." And "Passengers are reminded that reading ‘Captain Corelli’s fucking Mandolin’ is strictly prohibited."
  
  Really funny interview with the manc lass who is the voice of the London Underground.
  

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General Knowledge Quiz with prizes.

April/May/July/August/September/October

It's that time of the month again. Over the past month I have been to the gym about twice, eaten lots of tiramusu and fried lots of vegetarian bacon.



I'm two pounds heavier. Things is, I'm two pounds heavier on my stomach. The plan now is to do exactly the same, only add lots of sit ups to the equation. Of course, that was the plan last month too.

Ladder Theory

IF A MAN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS

Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:

1. The guy is gay
2. The guy does not find you attractive.
3. The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder

Oh dear. I visit one website and suddenly the vast majority of the few friends I have vanish. Suicide seems the only option now.

Are bisexuals friendless I wonder?

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Official: deadmanjones can have NackUK in a Googlefight. But then, nobody's released a song called NackUK yet...

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GhostWatch is finally available to see once again - on DVD.

For those who do not remember, this was the hilarious show that saw Craig Charles, Michael Parkinson, Mike Smith and Sarah Greene present a supposed live documentary about a haunted house. Over the course of the show one of the presenters was possessed by evil forces whilst another was eaten alive by spectral cats in a cupboard under the stairs. My own family found this hilarious but, if you believed the papers the next morning, all hell broke lose afterwards a la Orson Welles' War of the Worlds transmission. Whether you believe the stories of suicides / Post-Traumatic Stress or not, this will be worth revisiting when it's released on the 25th.

BBC
BFI

Voice Command Remote Control...

I'll admit it, it's tempting. It'd be completely pointless for me but I am tempted...

Something for all you bored people at work:

I did around 35 until I got fed up with the japanese bloke. He really does get on your nerves.

Sonarchallenge

Check out this cool Flash clock:

Hand Drawn Clock

I've just discovered why I woke up at 5 in the morning on Saturday. I though it was a hangover from George's whisky.

Stella Street heads to the big screen.

Very unexpected and very welcome news.

I'm gonna live till I'm 88.8. Hurrah for me. Maybe I'll add a countdown on this site till my death...

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Peter Kay 'takes over Caroline Aherne's new sitcom'.
1 / 2

If any of you heard that interview with the minor deighty known as Peter I posted recently, you'll know he spoke about Craig's sitcom; how much he liked it, how it was a shame the BBC weren't very interested. If the above news is true it's great news. Firstly, of course, because we get to see a Craig Cash / Peter Kay sitcom. Secondly though, VERY importantly, it means Kay takes another step away from Channel 4, who quite simply haven't shown nearly enough interest or acumen when dealing with the most popular comedian in Britain. Whilst his live shows sell out within an hour, Channel 4 finally gets round to reshowing his master work The Services at 11.05pm on Monday. Watch it, cos for all Channel 4 cares you'll probably never see it again.

Hmmmm... I might give this a try!

Porno Crawler

Courtesy of Software-For-Windows.com

My home is listed on skyscrapers.com. Which seems silly frankly, or at least extremely thorough of them.

Look what I bought off t'internet

Celebrity Stock Exchange anyone? I'm playing - I've lost £80.32 in the time it took to update the page after buying my shares...

Flash games - Play the Jizz game. It's just like Copter.

deadmanblog October 8th

the sun / chortle November 14th

Veruci fucking ghoti - for / against.

The No More AOL CDs campaign keeps on growing. The aim is to collect a million of the things then dump them at AOL HQ. Here's where to send them in the UK.

deadman your search is over...

Mama Bird and Baby Bird get drunk...

Place your bets now!! ...Woooooo!

BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Because I told georgied and barry about it: 404 breakout
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Stargate SG-1 gets seventh season. Michael Shanks (Daniel Jackson) to return full time to SG-1. How has yet to be seen. He'd have to be a guardian angel figure or something given he's moved on to another plane of existence (aka he died). I mean, for starters, he doesn't even need the Stargate...[spoiler ends]

I just ordered a bluetooth thingy for my PC, so I can synchronize my contacts and calendar with Microsoft Outlook. Haven't got it yet, so I don't know how well it works, but since I was buying it I thought I'd have a look to see what else I could do with my T68i and Bluetooth. I wasn't expecting much, but apparently I can operate my PC using it (move the mouse, open programmes...). How fucking cool is that?

If you aren't impressed by Shooting Stars Krazy Golf then you're probably brain dead.

A mild diversion: Is she pregnant or just fat?

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Found out today that my boss's boss has a hand in the production of these...McKinney So I thought I'd be nice and give it a mention.

I don't usually blog stuff like Ultimate Flash Face, but I just did a reasonably accurate self-portrait... go and load the one called deadmanjones... whydontcha...
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Apparently I should support Leeds Utd.
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I envy their natural rhythm.
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Slow Wave: Cartoon Strips based on dreams submited to the site...
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Graaaagh!, pointless fun to fill my afternoon...

webmaster's warning: hundreds of annoying pop up windows and message boxes will appear if you press the above, including those really shitty ones that change your home page to some porno rubbish.

Click here and buy the CD entitled "Texas Funk". Don't hesitate, don't think about it, don't um and certainly don't ah. If you're a funkmeister or a Northern Soul lover, do not hesitate; click here and buy JMANCD006.

Whilst you're there buy whatiswrongwithgroovin' too - been spending the last year jiving to that in my little Stopfordian penthouse here.

back story - popisdead and deadmanjones have chosen to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Paris next february. deadmanjones bought the concert tickets, Poade offered to organise the hotel and flights...

popisdead: HOTEL IS 126 QUID, SO 63 EACH, THATS FOR 3 NIGHTS, AS WE FLY ON MONDAY GET BACK THURSDAY, AS THE SUNDAY FLIGHT WAS A RIP OFF. FLIGHT IS 56 QUID EACH (JUST USED A WEB CONVERTER). [Here's the itinerary].
deadmanjones: Er, is it me or is this itinerary backwards? We appear to be travelling from Paris to East Midlands on the Monday then back to Paris on Thursday...
popisdead: fuck

Throw the Peeball in a urinal, then destroy it with your stream of salty gold in the shortest time possible.

Expect this to be this year's big stocking filler - if a friend buys you a peeball it probably means they don't like you enough to put any thought into buying you a proper present, but you'll still be happy.

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Having forgotten to set my alarm clock, today's day at work was sponsored by the 07:32 earth tremor. They're reassuring now; newly found friends they are.

Two Thirds of deadmanblog had a cocktail party to celebrate Halloween and, more importantlly, Norf's birthday.

I think my forehead is getting shinier and my hair receding even further.

Limpfish has ruined Star Wars forever, because I'll never be able to watch the scene in Ben Kenobi's home again without thinking of this. Utterly, utterly hilarious. 13,000 downloads since last week and counting.

"Internet abuse costs big money the companies questioned were losing more a day's work per week to this time wasting."

That would be a particularly busy week for me I think you'll find...

"I think I represent what National Lampoon once meant to the teen audience. I'm trying to present something different."

Christ on a bike, Howard Stern is remaking Porky's. Thank God this news comes coupled with the announcement of a John Woo produced Mighty Mouse Movie, or I may never have gone to the cinema again.

Orange to offer first commercial Windows SmartPhone. And it's in the shops November apparently.

I feel an upgade coming on - I want to be the first to get a blue screen...

Replace the back of your Nokie phone with this; a games console. They're right, that is a good idea. It enables all your poor people who can't afford the fantastic phones the deadmanblog team have to play reasonably decent games for once...

This week's caption competition comes from Winchester...

Aaarrghhhh! Stargate SG1 Season Seven isn't confirmed at all! Nightmare!

stops breathing after 5 minutes of initial activation. Sounds like Grandpa Simpson. Also sounds like a good way to frighten Ptolemy.

And now our odd one out round; John Leslie, Angus Deayton and...

The prospect of Paul Merton hosting Have I Got News For You is a very intriguing one, and may prompt me to watch for the first time in ages, if I'm not too pissed at Norf's party.

Everyone's welcome by the way. Probably. Click on the Wolverhampton link next to popisdead's picture at the top of the page. Go to the area indicated on Friday night and listen out for party sounds. We're on the first floor, bring your own pumpkin.

Comtrya!

"Stargate Season 7 Confirmed as 98.5% certain. Richard Dean Anderson has signed on. Michael Shanks [Daniel Jackson] WILL be involved."

Sorry if this geeky news is of no interest to you, but myself and georgied will be celebrating. So far this series we've had one good episode, one terrible episode and one brilliant episode. So a seventh 'season' is to be welcomed warmly.

george devine is one of the noted treloars

This man is a fooking genius! Somebody give 'em loads more awards...

L'amour - 1.65Mb
(For some reason this one was uploaded without it's extension, save it and give it an asf extension)
Rejected - 6.75Mb

Billy's Balloon - 24.8Mb (Big but worth it!)

Three cheers for Don Hertzfeldt!

---

(Sunday 16:30) deadmanjones

"My spoon is too big. I am a banana"

You're quite right George, he is a genius. And a mate of Bill Plympton it seems. And he's five months my junior. The cunt. But anyway, I like it so much, I ordered the t-shirt...

Wish other cartoon's were downloadable like this. Cordell Barker's hilarious "The Cat Came Back" would be very nice indeed.

George's post prompted some Sunday afternoon googling, which led me to remember Chuck Jones' version of Dr Seuss' "Horton Hears a Who", a childhood favourite of mine. So now the DVD of it is winging its way to me...

Ah, Chuck Jones. Sadly missed.

Square cats?... I don't know what else to say...

Maybe he and Ulrika cooked it up as a publicity scam. It'd be a fairly sick publicity scam, but it would still be better than pretending to date Geri Halliwell.

Blaze vandals sever Internet links.

Something else for Manchester to be proud of. Don't know why this wasn't a bigger story; those Salford boys will have to set fire to something bigger it seems. Old Trafford maybe.

The series of earthquakes which have struck Manchester could last for years, experts have revealed.

Oh. That's nice.

"An IT contractor who cheated a legal services company out of £10,000 and then tried to cover his tracks by faking his own death was unmasked after he posted a message to the Friends Reunited Web site asking old friends to get in touch. Glenn Todd, a test specialist in his late 30s worked in the UK for major companies including NTL..."

"MANCHESTER was rocked by the NINETEENTH earthquake in 28 hours today. The sequence is believed to be a British record and the British Geological Survey headquarters in Edinburgh warned that further earthquakes could hit the city in the next few days."

Hurray, Manchester has a record. Something we can be truly proud of.

I've had some connectivity issues with the www.deadmanjones.clara.co.uk address, and so have replaced everything with links to http://home.clara.net/deadmanjones. I think I got just about everything, apart from the link on the opening animation, which I'll have to change at home. If anyone notices any old links to www.deadmanjones.clara.co.uk pages let me know...

The bacon butties were delicious at the weekend by the way.

Being woken up at 4.30 in the morning by yet another bloody earth tremor is quite high on my list of minor annoyances. Yesterday's I barely noticed them; in fact I thought it was some mild dizzy spell caused by a Marks and Spencer Wensleydale and Carrot sandwich that was one day past its use by date. But this one constituted the most vigorous exercise my bed has seen since its construction. Why does the unelected secret world government insist on scheduling these tremors for the middle of the night? At least wait till I've got down from the 21st floor.

A sudden thought - if that wasn't an earth tremor but a ridiculous dream this post is gonna look mighty strange in the morning. Night night.

Demand for Peter Kay tickets has been so high that it crashed the computerised booking system dealing with it.

Yeah, tell me a-fucking-bout it.

SimonSwears. Err, don't play this one in a shared office. So it's for heads of companies only really.

racing game here; some other games here too...

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Tickets for new Peter Kay tour dates go on sale MONDAY @ 10am.

Start queuing now...

In Japan last week, Philips demonstrated SFFO discs to convince sceptics that it really is possible to store four gigabytes on a three-centimetre disc, and to make a drive as small as a memory card that can read it reliably. The world's smallest optical disc will soon let your cellphone store five two-hour movies or hoard 48 hours of MP3 music.

Normal View from My window...


This morning's view from my window...

April/May/July/August/September



1 Pound heavier. That's Sainsbury's tiramisu for you.

TIME HUNT

This looks like turning into a major time suck. A prize awaits anyone who solves the riddles and games found here. The game begins when you exit the airlock at your first location, the Sun. Solving the the puzzles will give you codes that, when entered, will take you to each of the 9 planets. On each planet there are more riddles to solve and more clues to workout... you get the idea. There's some beautiful web design here, and contributors include Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

Like you have better things to do?

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OK, who wants to own up to ordering me the hardcorde video catalogue that arrived this morning. The postcode was slightly wrong, so if you could correct the address next time...

Very educational though; I had no idea hardcore was now legally available. No more freeview for me (I jest, of course. I'll never tire of the freeview).

In other news, last night I dreamt that in my younger years I used to have flowing permed blonde hair and was a member of a manufactured pop band called Aces High. I was taking part in a phone-in with Jimmy Saville on a Saturday morning kiddy show when I woke up. This daft dream adds to a sporadic history of daft dreams; the dream that Wendy was a famous singer in the eighties in the style of Claire Grogan, but that hard times had forced her to work at NTL; the dream that me, Dom and Leesa toured the country in a VW van with net curtains in the windows a la Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine.

Basically I'm a nutter.

Did I mention? I don't think I did. I can now eat vegetarian Fish Fingers. And they taste... like fish fingers. Jobs a good 'un; the return of fish finger sandwiches. Best fried I find.

I'll try Redwood's bacon next, though I suspect that's too much to hope for.

ATTENTION!

I would like to announce that this morning's 09:04 to Poynton arrived at

09:04

This made up for yesterday, when it arrived at 09:28...

Coca-Cola Table Football - for popisdead. It's graphically better, but still has, er... 'interesting' game play. We'll find one he likes sooner or later.

We're still on the look out for a free live chess website...

For the benefit of Barry, who presumably has interesting fetishes, here is the link he told me about - Lego Porn

George, don't agree to finish any projects this week, cos you're gonna be busy...

A new Stickman fighting game; 2 dimensional figures fighting in a 3 dimensional world...

Entering a few competitions from the morning paper led me to one of those companies who design them there marketing shockwave games. Three that I'll think you'll particularly enjoy: a retro 'clown' game, a racing game and a Golf game (I didn't go for the Table Football Game myself, but knowing popisdead's fondness for the game...).

This Peter Kay interview is hilarious (as always). They're RAM files, but you can use Sound Capture to 'record what you hearing' as a beautiful crystal clear mp3. Nuggets from the interview I didn't know (but then I missed Parky for some reason) - the next series will be Max and Paddy on the road; more tour dates to come in Feb, March and April.

Shall I just rename this site the Alan loves Peter Kay website? Bugger it, what do I care. He's funny.

At 00:54 on Monday 23 September, an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the
Richter scale hit Dudley in the West Midlands, causing untold disruption and
distress:

* Many residents were woken up, only to find that there were still 8 hours to go before they could collect their Giros.
* Several priceless collections of sombreros and toy donkeys from the Balearics were damaged.
* Thousands of local people have been left confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something vaguely interesting has happened in Dudley.
* In all, the quake is estimated to have caused tens of thousands of pounds' worth of improvements to the town.

One resident, Tracey-Marie Dutton, a 17 year-old mother of three, said,
"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Ashleigh-Megan and Chelsea-Louise, slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently, though, looting did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 500 shell suits and 2000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble, and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

* £5 buys burgers, chips and lurid blue pop for a family of four.

* £10 can take a family to Birmingham for the day, where children can playon an unspoilt canal bank among the country's finest collection of old tyres and stinging nettles.

PLEASE ACT NOW!

Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!

If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection boxes available at your local branches of Poundstretcher, Iceland and Netto.

Win a Star Wars Action Figure modelled on your own ugly mug.

A narcissistic Google trawl led me to...

deadmanjones : Did everybody at The Neptune know what was going on? How did you arrange for the audience, offer them all a bag of pork scratchings and the bus fare home?

Peter Kay : Noooo, we plied them with half price drinks! They thought the talent show was dreadful.

I remember the chat (especially Peter saying Harold Shipman was his comedy hero), but I don't remember asking that boring unfunny question. Probably drunk. I'm strangely proud to have this as proof that I was a Peter Kay fan from the beginning (it just about made all the other terrible acts on the BBC Comedy Awards worth enduring. Christ, did you see what won this year? Tom Conti's daughter with her hand up a baboon's arse). The rest of you are all hangers on. And my entire family is getting Peter Kay gifts for christmas.

The Google trawl also showed me that bookcrossing has buggered my google entries, and this guy links to me, though I'm fairly sure I have no idea who he is.

deadmanjones is a wastepaper basket that checks your spelling. It crushes ice and can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds.

The Prior-Art-O-Matic

I appear to have 'volunteered' for a work organised mixed six aside charity football match.

Stop laughing.

A little bit of Googling...

Checking my stats showed me someone had visited me after finding me ninth on Google under the search Quorn Burger. 10th position however was taken by a page detailing the victims of Quorn poisoning. It turned out to ba a page of anecdotal accounts of how some people are allergic to Quorn - the allergic reaction being short term bouts of vomiting. As a result this 'organisation', the Centre for Science in the Public Interest wants Quorn banned as unsafe.

Er, hello? I am allergic to cats. Is this Canadian crackpot organisation going to support my campaign to eradicate felines of all kinds (apart from George and Giles' lovely pet Ptolemy of course).

Some more googling led me to this statement from the Food Standards Agency:

Given this level of intolerance and the fact that some 137 million units of this product were consumed by 13 million people in 2000 alone it is not really surprising that you have been able to find people who appear to be intolerant to it.

The worrying thing is how easy it is for CPSI to look official when they're not. Actually looking through what they say quickly makes you realise they're a bunch of morons however, and thankfully there is an anti-CPSI website to drive home the point. It's run by 'a coalition of more than 30,000 restaurant and tavern operators'. Biased? No more than the CPSI, Quorn, The FSA or me.

In brief: if it makes you vomit, stop fucking eating it.

Peter Kay now has a lot more Merchandise for sale, and I may just buy all of it. From the "Put Big Light On" t-shirt to the Garlic Rock to the "it's spittin'" umbrella to the "Booked it, Packed it, Fucked Off" beach towel. All of it genius, and more live dates are promised for 2003. This time I won't hesistate.

Yesterday Evening's Events 18.00 hours - 19.30 hours

18.00 Leave office
18.09 Train should have arrived by now
18.32 Two trains should have arrived by now
18.35 Phone Rail Enquiries. They tell me about a broken down train on the "Euston - Glasgow line"
18.45 Train arrives at Poynton
18.55 Train arrives in Stockport
19.05 George phones and is greatly amused to hear me panting my way up Lancashire Hill
19.07 Race into corner shop and buy milk and bread
19.10 Race into flat. Throw milk and bread to the floor, grab jogging pants and t-shirt, put trainers on, run out again
19.15 Running down Lancashire Hill, attempt to phone Liz to see if she drives to the gym. Number unavailable.
19.20 Arrive back at the gym... which is just outside the train station
19.25 Queuing up to get my receipt for the body pump class
19.26 Getting changed
19.27 Arrive on time for the Body Pump class. It is clear to all I have already done the warm up.

dmj: You've changed your number
liz: er, yes, last November
dmj: Ah, well, I don't phone you very often

Therefore, further to this, the entire rail network is peopled by cunts. Farewell railtrack, may the new non-profit company have better luck.

Shoot the Duck and win broadband for a year...

Digital Download Day tomorrow, where you get £5 worth of 'legal' music downloads. This is to promote the fact that you do have the choice of downloading AND paying for it if you want.

Yeah, good luck mate.

I have this. Apart from the actually having muscle bit.

To the drivers of First North Western trains I say this - you are all fat, useless, greedy CUNTS and I hate you all.

I've accidentally bought two copies of the new Electric Chair 2CD compilation (internet shopping is so easy it's difficult). Anyone want it for a fiver?

So, just got back from Sankeys (thanks Wendy). Was Timo Maas good? Well, the little we heard of him was great; he came on at quarter to three I think, and we left at 4:15. Excuses? I'm getting old, I've had less than seven hours kip every night this week (which is far less than a dormouse like myself requires) and I've been in the office ten hours a day to make up my flexi after last weeks course. And I'm getting old. On the other hand, I did dance like a good un for the four hours of the brilliant Victor Calderone's set - storming stuff, set the place on fire. In comparison Timo Maas is super chilled, so three in the morning is a perfect time for him.
Right, I'm off to bed. Wake me on Sunday.

I wasn't looking forward to it particularly; the Christmas spectacular had been brilliantly conceived and directed, but had it been too warped even for my tastes (a german vampire paedophile anyone?). But my mum loved it.

In the end, last night's League of Gentlemen was rather spectacular; thankfully, like the christmas shows, it remained refreshingly laugh track free, and followed a storyline as funny as it was deeply, deeply disturbing. Pauline and Ros shagged, which has to be a benchmark for class really. One of the stars used to work for Rolf's Cartoon Club, and has admitted to forging a Rolferoo, drawing a huge erection on it, and sending it a young fan of the show. Allegedly.

In other TV news, Stargate began season six on Sky the night before, and myself and the man George give it the thumbs up, with reservations. There were awkward moments, where characters 'bonded' and such, but on the whole it was a good start and Jonas' character proved himself a unique addition to the cast rather than a bog standard replacement to Daniel Jackson. But we demand more Anubis and The Ancients. Excitingly, Daniel Jackson will be making appearances in three episodes of this season; the jury is still out on whether there'll be a seventh season, but it's most likely it will be without Jack O'Neill. MGM has also suggested a movie is a possibility, though whether this means a TV Movie a la Babylon 5 I don't know...

So the pair of us are geeks - sue us.

They're making a stage show of King Kong. Well, if Pip Schofield can talk to the animals (aw, bless little Gordon the Gopher) and a helicopter can land on stage (but not take off again in the performance I saw) in Miss Saigon, why the hell not?

Just read an article in the Big Issue which, after a bit of googling, led me here - Suicide rates tend to rise under Tory rule: 35,000 more people died in the last century than would have been the case if the Conservatives had not won an election.

I didn't blog Think of the Children when I first found it because it was a one joke website that other people were already blogging, and Chris Morris had done it before. But now that it's been removed I feel obliged to blog it. This isn't censorship, this is just immensibly stupid people; the same sort of people who write to Points of View and read the Daily Mail.
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Why did nobody tell me about movietrak? How can my blog be anything but tat if you people won't pass these things on. Actually, I've noticed the adverts for some time, but thought there'd be a catch, like buying CDs from Britannia or something. Doesn't look like it though - 4 quid to rent a DVD by post for seven days. This is very useful to me because I've got nothing nearby and I don't drive, so I may well be making use of it.

dmj: [Why is your office number in Cambridge?] You have a holiday flat there?
em: no just office and lots of men I control
dmj: This is the only reason I amuse you, because I'm the only one you don't.
em: you don't amuse me, you interest me
dmj: Scientific curiosity.
em: not at all, I just like strange things

Reminder to all, That Peter Kay Thing is being repeated (I think for the first time ever) starting tonight on C4 with the episode that spawned Phoenix Nights. Unadulterated genius it might well be, but the absolute highlight of the series is The Services so look out for that one (someone tell Les).

Earthquake hits UK, epicentre is Poade's house. No more curried eggs for him then.

The Oracle of Google says deadmanjones is a type of melon.

Take The Ewan McGregor Test!

So, yesterday saw the norf, the poade and the deadman see The Music @ the Birmingham Academy. The verdict? One for, two against. I was the most against, viewing them as the vainglorious heirs to the ignoble crowns of bands like Kula Shaker and Toploader. Saying things like that led to me being justifiably ridiculed for turning into Tom Paulin (the "useful idiot") - but I like arguing and I like the sound of my own voice, so that didn't shut me up. The support, provided by The Rain Band , was much better, and great value for money given the breadth and variety of musical references they employed. One song they'd sound like the Roses, the next Depeche Mode. 100% Manc attitude too.

Travel to and from Wolverhampton was lengthy because of the work on the West Coast line. I got stuck in Stafford for an hour and a half, which is a quaint and quiet town when it's busy and therefore utterly dead on a Sunday. I wandered around and eventually found myself at a Wimpy. Wimpy to me has always meant a cheap, nasty British shit hole of a burger bar with poor food and poor service, cos that's what it was always like as a kid. But times have changed, and lo and behold the service is great and...

They do a Quorn Burger!!

...and it's delicious!! God be praised there's a fastfood joint that's finally doing it. Sadly, it's difficult to find a Wimpy bar anywhere (unless you feel like going bowling), so that's probably my first and last Wimpy Quorn burger. Wave bye bye...

Good news (if you like me); I'm gonna live till the year 2050.
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Anyone want a free DVD?
althought you are limited to Dr Do Little, What Lies Beneath & The Full Monty...

Finally I get round to filling one of my favourite purchases. Sadly my favourite purchase doesn't quite hold enough bottle so I'd better get drinking (no, I don't host dinner parties or have friends round. Ever. So they're all for me.)

Near death out-of-body sensations? Bollocks, it's just the angular gyrus of the right cortex.

It's that time again...

Five months ago, Four months ago, Two months ago and One month ago.

Now?


I've lost a stone in 5 months. That ain't bad. It's not very good either; there'll be telethons for me in a bit. All thanks to Body Pump, which has got rid of the fat and, one presumes, has given me muscle...

At last, photos from the new Tarantino flick.

So Phoenix Nights Series Two comes to a triumphant end; the consensus in the office was that Jerry St Clair performing Slim Shady was the main highlight; personally I preferred Brian Potter as Elton John. Series highlight was undoubtedly the love eggs...

addendum: we in the office just had a look around the net for Peter Kay Tickets, to find what few are on offer are selling for £100+. As a measure of how famous Peter Kay is in Manchester now, take a look at this:Oasis tickets - swap for Peter Kay tickets for any Manchester venue. Fame was fleeting for the Gallaghers.

Simple, addictive, platform based good clean fun.
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So, from the music and moves of Body Pump 40 we move to Body Pump 42. My first thoughts (not that any of you care)? Firstly, one of the tracks is Eye of the Tiger, which ensures I do the entire routine with a big stupid grin on my face. The track for squats is incredibly slow and boring, but the tracks for the rows is much improved - the routine likewise. The new abdominal workout is a lot more intense - the old one was basically a cool down, this one includes crunches, oblique crunches and a deceptively simple pilates move known as the plank.

I know none of you care, but I have to talk to someone. Hello? Hello...?

Kim Hunter, shining star of A Matter of Life and Death (the greatest film of all time) has died.

Scientists grow penis in lab

Just thought I'd throw that one in there before you read it in a tabloid.

Attack of the Clones on IMAX!!!! Woohoo!

"Novelist Will Self is to move onto the 20th floor of a tower block to write a short story and is inviting the public to come and watch him work."

Big deal, I've been doing that for years.

"I think this is a fascinating period we are living through. The idea that this high modernist aesthetic and functionalist aesthetic is over...It is not necessarily something to mourn but to acknowledge."

I think it costs me 40 quid a week with heating, security and hot water included, and I get a great view.

Johnny Vegas wanted to host Bullseye revival...?

Some new additions to the photos page. The 9 photos I took at Creamfields (we await the proper group shots taken on Wendy's camera with baited breath); the three brothers Jones and their little fat bellys; Commonwealth Games as seen from my flat.

      :Hey Al, the bottom of your wardrobe is looking kinda bare.
dmj:Yeah, I took most of my leather shoes to the charity shop today. And my one leather belt. The only leather items I now own are two pairs of trainers that'll get replaced when they wear out, those slipper like shoes I love so much, and a couple of bookmarks which I've had for some time. I got rid of my leather coat and any coat with a leather collar etc. a while back.
      :You're a schmuck.
dmj: Thank you. I also released some books whilst I was there.

Many congratulations to georgied who has just got a new job via an internal application.

Yes many congratulations. Many, many congratulations. I say that without bitterness or envy. You useless, talentless irish faggot.

I was thinking of getting a Bonsai Tree to replace the Venus Flytrap (it didn't like full sun evidently). If I do, I'll get one of these accessories; though I'm not paying that price, I'll buy a matchbox car and damage it myself.
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News: TV v Internet

This is true, this story may have broke earlier on the internet and may have been covered by more sources. But events preceding this was documented on telly last month on NewsNight of how gambling has got out of control in Greece and had footage of many Greek politicians participating in illegal electronic gambling (electronic fruit machines that pay big bucks like Vegas) and of the imminent crackdown and legislation proposed.

deadman 1, georgied 1

Yesterday the bloggers of this site had a reasonably sensible (for us) and incisive (for us) discussion (argument) regarding traditional journo media versus getting your news via the web. It was started by my interest in the possibilities of RSS; I pointed out I might use it to round up my daily splurge, to which georgied replied he'd just carry on watching TV news. "Yes George, you just carry on believing what they want you to believe" was my glib retort, and so the argument began.

Georgied's argument, and this is just paraphrasing my view of it, was that the news from an internet page is just as edited and filtered and prejudiced as the news from a TV news channel. My argument was that whilst it's only possible to watch one TV news channel, you can surf a wide range of disparate web sites and get different angles for the same news story; at it's most extreme you might be able to get the view from a Taliban supporter and then the US version of events.

Evidence for my argument was easy to gather. According to this morning's Metro newspaper (and I imagine a few other tabloids), all forms of electronic games are now banned in Greece - solitaire on your desktop, snake on your mobile phone, donkey kong (or whatever you youngsters play) on your handheld. Now I'd already heard this story - I read this on Prandial Post yesterday, and the story actually arose three days ago. Unlike traditional journalism Andrew was kind enough to quote his sources (we're good like that us bloggers). He quoted the traditional internet news outlet that said Greece had banned all electronic games, and he also quoted the blog from a Greek gaming source that stated this wasn't the case.

My argument is this; if you just got your information regarding this issue from traditional journalistic outlets, there would be no way you could get the actual facts - they've printed the entertaining 'funny foreigner' exaggeration, and they're not going to print a retraction, traditional journalist outlets for this type of story being extremely lazy. But if you poke around on the internet, you will always be able to find a contrary view. That contrary view may not be accurate, and may be just as prejudiced as the traditional media, but by looking at varied versions of a story someone with even only half a brain can sift through the rhetoric and discover the facts.

deadman 1, georgied 0

Over the last 70 years, Deadman Confidential have recycled thousands of tonnes of waste paper, used toner cartridges and films.

Whaddya know, I'm a business.
info from droid

Pearls of wisdom from Guy Ritchie...

"You can kill as many people as you like, but don't slap a bird."

"Buggery is no longer in fashion like it used to be."

These work best if you imagine they're script extracts from a previously unreleased Michael Caine movie.

Reviews for the Harry Potter vibrating broomstick - 'My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too'.
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In reference to deadman's quote: "If you write something idiot-proof, someone builds a better idiot."

As Excel would say:

Microsoft Excel cannot automatically calculate all open idiots when one of
them contains an extremely stupid reference, an idiot that directly or
indirectly refers back to the idiot that contains the stupidity.
To locate the idiot in the stupid reference, use the Stupid Idiot toolbar.
The toolbar helps you move to each idiot in the stupid reference so that you
can educate the idiots as needed to correct the stupid reference. Microsoft
Excel displays the Stupid Idiot toolbar automatically when a stupid
reference occurs.

1 On the Stupid Idiot toolbar, click the first idiot in the Navigate Stupid Reference box.
2 Review the stupidity of the idiot. If you cannot determine whether the idiot is the cause of the stupid reference, click the next idiot in the Navigate Stupid Reference box.
3 Continue to review and correct the stupid reference until the status bar no longer displays the word "Stupid."

You are 3% geek

OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you. Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Oooooohhhhhh. New shooooooooes.

What is it with face fuzz all of a sudden? Popisdead and Dom have both opted for the hobo look. My ridicule is based purely on envy; I couldn't even grow a bum fluff tash.

Well, Electric Chair @ Music Box was fan-fucking-tastic. When the music stopped at 4am we were all gutted. Best night out in 6 years I'd say. I also have to point that i was wearing a T-Shirt that simply said "Garlic Bread?" on it, and I was fielding comments about it all night. Even I, as T-shirt king, was surprised at the response, never known anything like it. Particularly entertaining was the girl who just came and shouted "None of your foreign muck" at me. Do not under estimate the popularity of Peter Kay.

And next week is Mr Scruff @ Music Box!! Woohoo!!!
And the 21st is The Music in Birmingham. Which I don't really care about, but it's a chance to see the gang again.
And Friday 27th is Timo Maas @ Tribal Sessions @ Sankey Soap!!! Hurrah!!!!
And 30th November is Groove Armada @ Manchester Acadamy!! Though by the looks of it I'll be going on my fucking own!!! Miserable bastard useless fucking so-called friends!!!!!!!
And January is The Music in Manchester
And February is The Rocky Horror Stage Show in Manchester
And March I get even older.

Many thanks to work colleague John German for tipping me the winner in the 2.30 at Chester, thus netting me 40 quid.
"But deadman, whenever you've been with us you've refused to bet on the horses".
Shut your face, I'm bored.

Sweet Jesus. Now women can pee standing up. Hoorah.
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I know some of you are going to spend all of Friday at work playing this little annoyance...
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HOW TO TURN ON A COMPUTER
Let's read that line again.
HOW TO TURN ON A COMPUTER
Yes you read it right.
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I am indeed very bored at work today, having nothing to do.

Entering the Guardian's Best British Blog competition (a ludicrous thing to do given my complete lack of web design acumen and penchant for just stealing links from other blogs) has prompted me to have a look around the blogging universe once again. It's not a very interesting place; full of back biting teenagers talking about nothing except the act of blogging itself. There's enough paranoid narcissism posing as content out there, and I don't need to add my tuppence worth here, so I stand by my link stealing philosophy.

On the other hand, I've discovered Web Trumps. Zannah's in there; I want to be too. Guess I'll have to become a talented web designer and fill my site with content. Or make my own Top Trumps instead; whatever happened to the Glastonbury Top Trumps (Barry) and the Zakynthos Top Trumps (popisdead).

I'M SO FUCKING BORED

I have a feeling this could be just an uncanny lookalike, because I can't think of any reason why Lee Hurst would be advertising Sun Microsystems.

I discovered Mr Scruff and his fantastic music last month, despite the fact that he is very famous and comes from Stockport and plays one of my favourite clubs in Manchester regularly. Every time I try and tell someone about him they tell me he is indeed very good and they've been listening to him for years. It's getting somewhat embarrassing.

So, at 7.30am I arrive back from Creamfields 2002.



Great acts seen: Timo Maas, BK, Underworld.

As good as last year? Nope. This year they had an open air stage for the big more mainstream acts like Underworld and Faithless. I've said it before and I'll say it again, some acts just don't work with kind of vibe as far as I'm concerned. Every act that can appear at Cream should appear beneath a roof within the vibe of a rave.

But still, alot of fun. Particularly the hard house tent.

You are 20% geek.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome a female musical artiste with the soulful brilliance of Stevie Wonder circa Songs in the Key of Life - INDIA.Arie. And many thanks to Leesa for telling me about her. She appears to be very famous in yankland, but I've never heard of her.

Man Robbed After Sucking Nipples Smeared With Knock-out Drops

An email from a stranger; Just seen your site ...I've got a site, thought you might like to add it to your Fun Stuff links. Blah blah fucking blah. Oh piss off.

Except the web site is really good, which is a bit of a shocker. It's like b3ta but without the impenetrable clique - just a load of funny stuff and escapades for you to try. The manked news section (links to news stories about stupid people) will be added to my daily splurge most definitely. Equally, I had no idea it was possible to send anonymous emails. This will now get abused relentlessly for about a week until I get bored of it.

Click here. Now.

I wish finding links could always be this easy.

Discover a man's penis size by entering their nose size, their hand size and their foot size.

I didn't like what it said about me. It was accurate, but I didn't like it.

I don't know why people looking for tits keep coming to my page, but following sex searches for my mates Jodie and Leesa, now we have a visitor to www.deadmanjones.co.uk who was looking for emma's tits. She probably did it herself knowing her...

Oh, and we got yet another person searching for depressed photos. Porn and depression do indeed find a home on my website.

They've officially launched the service, and tagging now costs 50p a time, which I don't think is a bad deal. They've now added a songmail service, so once the piece of music is tagged you can send a 30 second clip to a friend along with a personal message...

A new gadget

in readiness for Creamfields.

Saturday night. Bored. Lonely. Fed up.

Suddenly the Top Ten of greatest TV moments has a brand new entry.


Jarvis Cocker as Rolf Harris on Star in Their Eyes

You may be wondering what I'm doing sitting in watching Stars in their Eyes on yet another Saturday night in alone. So am I.

Well, after these purchases, my final Glastonbury inspired purchase has arrived. Jospehine Oniyama comes well recommended.

Final purchase that is aside from the three other White Stripes CDs I'm about to order...

Somebody for God sake explain this game to me, cos I ain't got a clue

from b3ta.

As far as I'm concerned this is the sort of thing the internet was invented for. Educational, brilliantly designed and yet another reason for me to get broadband (Click 'Launch Atlas').

There is now only one month to wait.

Let's hope it's better than the Seahorses (couldn't be much worse).

Well, since four months ago, three months ago and one month ago, my weight has dropped again.



Which is just silly. On the plus side I am lifting more weights at Body Pump, so I guess muscle will soon abound and I'll put weight on...

Won't I?

Off to Ireland in the morning, back to my home town for a wedding so undoubtedly I'll return with lots of hazy and vague memories and a few bruises...

This strikes me as kinda funky...

Internet only Peter Kay John Smiths Ad

I guess mosta my friends know I use DigiGuide - searchable TV listings on my desktop. It searches for keywords, and reminds me of programmes with a cheery shout of "deadmanjones, Dilbert is starting in five minutes". I find it indispensible, and it is launching in the US of A this 'fall'. So if there are any Yanks reading this, I urge you to get it...

DigiGuide

Make a note in your diaries (you listening Poade?)...

A Johnny Vegas Radio SitCom

Ssssshhhh...

US planned to nuke Europe in WWII

You're gonna like this one, I guarantee it. Somebody visted my site yesterday by typing photos of people being depressed into Yahoo.

My site came third...

Nack's Zakynthos Photos are finally here.



Nack's done a damn good job of telling the stories and explaining the sights, so head over there to read what happened, cos I can't be arsed telling you. I'm very glad we got this photo though...



This is around 8AM (I'm in the background eating what the hotel claimed were corn flakes). Me and Nack woke up (the one day we did so so early, having booked a cruise round the island) to find Poade and Jet unconscious in the hotel foyer ten minutes after they had arrived back. I tried for some time to awaken Poade and eventually he shot up with a wild look in his eyes as he tried to focus on the world about him.

"Eggs?" he asked.
"No Poade, there's no eggs" I calmly explained.
"Aaaaahhh, fucking hell. Jet! Jet, no eggs!" he angrily exclaimed as he trudged off to bed.

Jet remained unware of the egg crisis however, still being unconscious. We shook him, we shouted at him, and in the end we left him. He awoke suddenly and violently about an hour later, just as the crowd of hotel staff stood around him were about to give up and phone for the ambulance. Jet's terror at finding himself surrounded by strangers towering over him was equally matched by that of the staff when the dead Englishman on their sofa suddenly leapt up and shrieked at them...

What was the only topic of conversation in the office today?

Phoenix Nights - Series Two

What else? (Until the third series of Black Books comes around. And since How Do You Want Me? is no more).

At 9pm on Friday August 16th, 50 lucky ManchesterAD.com readers will be whisked away in a blacked out bus for a 45 minute drive to an unnamed stately home. Once there you'll find yourself in the company of 450 other people, 4 marquee tents, two sound systems, two chill out areas, 100 flares, 3 huge fires, 10+ sofas, and one heavily stocked bar! DJs selected to play on the night will be confirmed in our e-flyer going out on Monday, where you can get your name down and reserve tickets. Full details on Monday."

Manchester After Dark

Who can turn this down at that price?

I am indeed proud to be british, but I'm basicially only linking this so George and Giles can see a nice picture of Will Young painted gold showing pubic hair. Or did they vote for the other one?

The Memory Hole [rescuing knowledge, freeing information] is an engrossing, occasionally jaw dropping site which I think I'm gonna include on my daily internet news splurge from now on.

Stolen from Darian.

I think everyone who knows me knows about my penchant for t-shirts (which borders the line between fetishist and shopaholic). Well, I got another, and this is one is kinda impressive.



I don't think I'd wear it at an American airport though...

I want to go on a virtual picnic.

Shazam™ is GENIUS.

You ring them on your mobile and hold the phone up to some music for fifteen seconds ("tagging"), within ten seconds it TXTs you back with the artist and title.

I tagged David Bowie Rebel Rebel, I tagged Pulp Mis-shapes - it got both of them. Genius.

So I got clever and tried the quiet intro of Dr John's "Gris Gris Gumbo Ya Ya".

SHAZAM GOT IT.

Better than genius. Fecking Einstein. Go sign up for them NOW.

I've been turned down for a credit card. I didn't want or need it, but getting turned down was worrying - do I have a bad credit rating because of a student loan? Because of mistakes made by the DSS on my JA?

I checked my UpMyStreet rating, and discovered it's none of those things - it's because I live with dead beats...

George should like this game.

Friday means more links stolen from b3ta.

The 8 Bit Movie Challenge

I want one!!!

Many thanks to Billy the instructor at tonight's BODYPUMP for forcing the four fellas who turned up to stand in front facing all the women during the bicep workout. Shouting "Come on, let's hear some effort, you're impressing these ladies" was just the icing on the cake.

Zakynthos merchandise has been added. Anybody not there will not know why, neither will you care.

Many, many thanks to Nack for providing the link for the Glastonbury2002 Tentlocatortron9000.



The Nack and co. camp site you can see perfectly



Mine on the other hand... well I think that's the right yellow tent. Click on it to enlarge and you can kinda make out the bunting...

"Be warned there are over 100 photos..." of Glastonbury warns our Nack.

What he doesn't warn you is the background image alone is 150K, and the animated back button gif ain't much smaller. In total his Glastonbury pages are 5meg. This may be OK for Poade and his broadband connection, but it ain't on for me, so here's a thumbnails page.

Sorry Nack. Having gone through the bother of downloading the whole five meg though, I've found the photos are more than worth it...

Following on from Jodie's Tits, somebody found my site by looking for fuck lisa edinburgh on a PORN search engine...

and they stayed and looked at most of the photos...

Tiny Windows Games is a good little idea. Very small games (in screen dimension and kilobytes), so you can get away with playing them at work. I've only downloaded the billiards one, and it was a bit fiddly but fun and, hey, small.

I found this after following this link from b3ta for a small prgram that just displays a windows progress bar. Run the program at work, then sit back and read the paper. If the boss comes in they'll think you're computer's busy. Smart one, though I don't need it since the only time my work computer isn't slowly "progressing" some bit of code is when it's blue screening...

Poade Day.

The Spirit of Manchester as displayed at the Commonwealth games - a brass band, a brief rain storm, then a seventies disco. Yep, that's pretty accurate.

Fighter Planes passing my window and search lights over Manchester, this must be what World War II was like.

ZAKYNTHOS 2002. 113 Photos. Parental Guidance advised.

A couple of things from b0g that amused me and I thought I'd share with you, because you're worth it.

Andy's sent some more Glasto photos, and very good they are too.

There are a number of people I know who really do need one of these,

Someone visted my site by searching for "tits out office party" on Google yesterday.

Another search was for Jodies tits (I'm the only result for that search believe it or not). I must tell Jodie, she'll be delighted.

I still get lots of visits from people typing in footymanager.xls or "Stag Do". You are all very welcome, however you found your way.

Left Zakynthos: 12.00PM GMT
Arrived Birmingham: 15.25PM GMT
Arrived Stockport: 18.45PM GMT

deadman, this will probabley sicken you...
But at that price I had to get one, it arrived yesterday... ...shall we play...

Well, since two months ago and one month ago, my weight has dropped again.



God damn it, if I continue to lose weight it's gonna get dangerous, BUT WHERE'S MY FLAT STOMACH? eH? eH? I demand a flat stomach for all my efforts God damn it.